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Are You Being Spiteful to Yourself? 3-Step Formula to Find Out + Fix It

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Are you spiteful to yourself When I look back to the origins of my gluten intolerance and subsequent years of chronic fatigue, one realisation still makes me go “Doh!”:

My actions were rooted in spitefulness… against myself. And the consequence was a sick body.

Ooh that’s a hard thing to admit!
But let me explain how this lesson can keep you in check and identify harmful thinking when it tries to hold you back in your health and happiness goals.


When I moved from my home town to live with my boyfriend, everything about my life changed. But one of the biggest shocks for me was that my man would not cook. Not even a boiled egg. I knew he could cook, he just wouldn’t. And that got me so mad! I LOVED cooking! But not all the time, right?

My indignant feelings about having to provide all the meals altered my whole attitude to food. I got into a thought pattern of “well, if he isn’t going to spend time in the kitchen, why should I?
We spent a year living on microwave meals and takeouts. He was fine with that. I hated it. Go figure!

Then I got sick. It was ironic that a takeout sandwich gave me food poisoning. You may say that was just bad luck. But honestly, I had it coming.
A year of eating terrible food had taken its toll on my gut and my immune system… I had been steering myself toward a fall.

In hindsight, I could see this thought pattern had reared its head in lots of areas of my life:

He never cleans the bathroom, so why should I?
I gave in when I began to feel dirtier stepping out of the shower than when I stepped into it!

The guys at work just expect that I’ll do the washing up, but why should I?
Eight years of taking my own cup to work and back every day and only ever making my own drinks!

Why do we do (or not do) things that ultimately hurt us more than they hurt the person we are annoyed with?
It all comes down to how highly we value ourselves. I know, ironic, right?!
I mean, we withdraw our co-operation because we don’t feel the co-operation from someone else.
We withhold love because we don’t feel it from the other person.

If I had valued myself more…

  • I would have fed my body healthy food.
  • I would have recognised I was stopping my own shower time being an enjoyable experience.
  • I would have got the support of management to implement a washing up rota.

Can you identify this pattern of thinking in your own life?

You can use this simple formula to figure out if you’re thinking this way.
Are there any parts of your life for which you could fill in this statement?

Step 1 – The Formula:
[Name] is not doing [Action], so I won’t do [Action].

Step 2 – The Cost:
If you can fill in those blanks, ask yourself next, what is it costing YOU?

By not doing [Action], it is costing me [Consequence].

It doesn’t even have to be directed at another person. You can be equally spiteful against your own actions/inactions:
I am terrible at time management, so I’m not going to make plans for the weekend.”

Step 3 – Re-Frame:
Now, how can you re-frame that first statement into positive action that shows love for yourself?

“I am going to [Take This Positive Action] because I value my health and happiness.”

The Cost of my spiteful behaviour against myself led to gluten intolerance and six years of healing my gut and my health.
The Re-Frame was that I began to cook for my health. I learned to love the kitchen again! And my boyfriend installed my dream kitchen for me to spend time in.
Although ultimately we ended our relationship, when I left he asked me where he could buy replacements for the non-toxic, non-teflon pans I used. I bought him a set of those pans as a leaving gift.
Soon after, I met the man who is now my husband. He loves to cook for me! And it’s all healthy, gluten-free food. He values my health because I do.

Please comment and tell me your story of how you have been spiteful against yourself and your health. Can this formula work for you, to re-frame that withdrawal into love?

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